Maryland loves its claim to one of America’s strangest, saddest, and spookiest authors -- Edgar Allan Poe. (Technically, places like Philly have a better claim, but we don’t have to think about that right now). Poe may have died in 1849, but his memory is kept alive here in Baltimore, thanks to the Poe House, our football team, and the loving attention paid to his grave in Baltimore City. To celebrate ol’ Ed, we’ve come up with some updates to his most famous stories and poems that are perfect for 2019.
The Tell-Tale Text
You’re sincerely trying to get other stuff done, but the buzz of your phone is distracting you too much -- finally, you can’t stand it anymore, and you go completely mad! (Or, you know, you could just put it on silent, but that doesn’t have the same level of dramatic flair.) Also, maybe don’t put your phone under the floorboards.
The Raven(s Game)
What’s more annoying than seeing your favorite football team suffer? Hearing the incessant caws (or tweets) of folks on the internet who just can’t shut up about it. If your boys are having a bad season, those comments are just going to be endless -- and you’d like to hear them nevermore.
The Cask of Natty Boh
Beware of being greedy about your favorite brew! You may end up regretting it the next day. Okay, so maybe you won't actually find yourself bricked inside a wall in a basement, but you might just wake up wishing you were since the light really hurts.
You’ve Matched With Annabel Lee
Now here’s a true tragedy -- you see your childhood friend from way back on Tinder or Bumble, and maybe they’re super gorgeous now, and you totally meant to swipe right. But, horror of horrors, you’ve swiped left instead. Gone forever, and you’re so down you’ve just got to write some sad poetry about it.
The Black Cat (That You’re Catsitting)
Your friends are out of town, and you’re stuck watching their weird black cat -- the one that gives you the willies every time you look at it. Does it have murderous inentions? Is it here to drive you mad? Well, maybe not. But that won’t stop you from giving it weird looks when you come over to feed it.
